I write a dating column: # 5

(This came out last fall, but I forgot to post it.)

Do you remember innocent note-passing? It was just you and your middle school crush engaged in a series of pointless flattery. I think this simple act should be resurrected at this point in our lives. Wouldn't it be great if your significant other just dropped you a quick message, whether it's on paper, Facebook or e-mail? I think the best way to brighten someone's day with a note is through the act of writing a Haiku.

This Japanese poetry form is arranged in three lines: the first contains five syllables, the second contains seven syllables and the third contains five syllables. I went through the work of coming up with a few examples to express any type of feelings you may be having. It is important to note if you use any of mine, I want any royalties you may make off my brilliance.

You're Neat
I enjoy your face
It looks nice in a mirror
Is that a pimple?

I Like, Like You
I think about you
Constant, beautiful, kind thoughts
Please lend me your car

Holiday Love
Snow gently falls down
I see your bright eyes glisten
Why are you cross-eyed?

Love/Hate
Your presence scares me
Charming and nicely you smile
Let go of my hair

Obsessed Love
You control my mind
Powerful, intense feelings
I swallowed the key

Geek Love
You make my pits sweat
Stunning like Princess Leia
Gaming is better

Binary Love
One zero zero
Zero zero one zero
One one zero one

Stalker Love
Your door was open
Many bright pretty sweaters
Your boyfriend is strong

Friend Love
You are always there
Trust, compassion, empathy
Dude, that's my girlfriend

Unrequited Love
Why don't you love me?
Empty, lost, lonely
I'm wearing your bra

Puppy Love
Aarf, woof, barky bark
I am hungry for kibble
Your butt smells friendly

Sporty Love
You are a touchdown
Celebration and thrilling
Nothing like jock itch

Romantic Love
I long for your touch
Soft, warm and gentle embrace
The candles burned me

True Love
Your life completes me
Content, comfortable, whole love
I farted on you

What is really newsworthy?

I just read a report that President Barack "Joe Cool" Obama bumped his head as he turned to wave to a crowd before he boarded Marine One. I am so thankful for this report, because without it I wouldn't have been able to promptly send off a get well card to the White House.

This just in: Michelle Obama placed one-to-many snack packs into Malia's lunch this morning, resulting in an over-satisfying lunch. Okay, that didn't really happen, but wouldn't that be about as relevant as reporting about President Obama's unfortunate collision with a doorway?

We're talking about a President who plays pick-up basketball. If we start reporting about every time he gets bumped, there's going to be an insert in the New York Times every time he steps foot on the court.

President Obama is already the most transparent President in U.S. history, in terms of online communication and his general desire to create an open-to-the-public government. If it were up to me, we would stick to reporting on his policy decisions, foreign relationships and other pertinent presidential tasks. Unfortunately, I'm not making the calls in the CNN newsroom, so everyone will continue to enjoy precious presidential snippets such as: "Obama Misses Layup," "Obama Sneezes Twice in a Minute," or "President Obama Does Not Finish His Vegetables."

Apparently in the midst of an economic crisis, there is still such a thing as "a slow news day."