Jumpsuits and glitter get rid of crazy daters
by Kyle Jameson
Your heart soars in anticipation as your first date with the person of your dreams approaches. They have everything you're looking for in a soul mate. They have a face, they can communicate to some degree and - let's be honest - they were just looking exceptionally hot and you have no idea what you're in store for.
Two minutes into your date, you realize they are completely crazy by the way they playfully describe how they got out of court-ordered community service and how they can't wait for the next Lindsay Lohan CD to drop.
Alright genius, how are you going to get yourself away from this bear trap of insanity? You can't just walk away or stop calling Mr. or Ms. Psychosis because we all know they are the type of person who will write you a slew of text messages or Facebook wall posts only a stalker can dream up. You need to get out of this terrifying "relationship" before you become another head in their duffle bag of twisted desires.
One of your first options is to drop the infamous "it's not you, it's me" line. The intentions are to imply that there is just too much on your plate right now to balance your needs as well as the needs of others. Unfortunately, we all know that "it's not you, it's me" is never received with open arms. Instead, you will need to be exponentially more creative with your relationship escape plan or your REP, as I like to call it. There is even an option to get the entire family involved!
REP number one is very simple. Decide which one of your friends has most-recently punked or wronged you to some degree and hook them up with Captain Insanity. There is nothing easier, or perhaps more hilarious, than pawning your problems off onto a friend. Just remember, that in REP it is imperative that you deny any prior-knowledge of Commander Lunacy's mental instability.
Option number two is more complicated. You engage your date in an elaborate and seemingly romantic scavenger hunt. The hunt should be filled with exotic flowers and delectable candies. Ultimately your trail of romanticism will buy you enough time to pump up your Nikes and gallop straight into the witness protection program. Here you will live out your life in an electrifying corner of Utah selling orthopedic shoes to aging tourists.
REP number three gets the whole family involved. First, invite your parents to town for dinner. Second, have your mom repeatedly bring up how she cannot wait for grandchildren (plural) and have her bring along swatches for the nursery (it is important you smile in delight the entire time). Third, have your dad explain how in three months he will no longer go by Mark but rather Martha, and he cannot wait to shop for wedding gowns! By now, your date should have run out screaming, and the bonus to this REP is that you get a free dinner from Mom and Pop.
My personal favorite and final REP is the "act crazier than they are" approach. This approach has limitless opportunities for personal entertainment. For example, you could show up to your next date wearing your favorite denim jumper and ever-so-subtly trace your facial features with your favorite shade of lipstick (preferably the darkest shade of red you can get your hands on). After you explain, in detail, the silly stories behind the names you have assigned each toe, simply discard your denim jumper and proclaim that you are "The Duchess of Kitty-Cats" and proceed to eat a bag of glitter.
In all actuality, you should just create your own REP, because if you use one of mine, you'll undoubtedly end up as crazy as the person you're trying to ditch in the first place.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I write a dating column: # 2
Oh great and wise ball: What is in my dating future?
by Kyle Jameson
Answer: this will happen if you make the wrong first impression on a date.
What is getting slapped in the face?
Ok, maybe it's a bad idea that I am writing while watching Jeopardy, but I assure you that reading this column will be as rewarding as listening to Alex Trebek pronounce non-English words.
Everyone has, to some extent, the desire to be desired. In the dating world, taking the wrong first step can be detrimental to one's self-confidence. Conquering this predicament is why I want to offer a simple decision making solution: let someone or something make the decision for you. Case in point, you should turn to the one true unbiased source of decision-making: the Magic 8 Ball (M8B).
I know what you're thinking, "I read two paragraphs to find out you're offering up a toy as the savior for my dating woes?" Yes I am, because if you get bad advice from a friend, it would be unwise to smash their head against a wall, but if M8B messes up - smash away!
But before you run off and test my method, there are a few things you should know about the M8B. M8B answers in simple phrases that may be misconstrued. Fortunately, I can translate for M8B. Let's take the following scenario and explore some common answers: Magic 8 Ball, should I ask Danielle/Tim out?
M8B says, "Signs point to yes." Beware of this answer, because signs also point to dead ends and falling rocks. M8B really means that you should run away from Danielle/Tim as fast as you can.
M8B says, "Ask again later." At first, you might be mad, because M8B is a toy and should have a pretty open schedule. But what M8B is hinting at is that you should clear your head, assess the situation and return to M8B with a rephrased question.
M8B says, "Yes - definitely." Once again, you think this answer is good, but you were fooled again. The M dash indicates that M8B's thought was interrupted. M8B is questioning its first response and there is no room for uncertainty when Danielle is looking good in those new Uggs (if Tim is wearing Uggs, he may not be the man for you anyhow).
M8B says, "Don't count on it." This answer is like an untrustworthy acquaintance, in that they usually won't pull through in clutch situations, but sometimes they surprise us. M8B translation: there's still a chance; go for it.
M8B says, "Reply hazy, try again." M8B is recovering from an all-night bender with the 20 Q game and you definitely should try again … much later.
M8B says, "My sources say no." The M8B went through the trouble of researching your response and you should definitely listen to it. I think we all know how utterly painful and time consuming it is citing your sources for a paper (not to mention the crying).
With all of this grey area surrounding M8B's answers, I want you to find comfort it this final response. M8B says, "Without a doubt." There is no uncertainty in that answer. Go forth with confidence. And remember, if M8B turns out to be wrong, you may climb the 180 steps in the Campanile and see how long it takes M8B to reach Medary Avenue.
by Kyle Jameson
Answer: this will happen if you make the wrong first impression on a date.
What is getting slapped in the face?
Ok, maybe it's a bad idea that I am writing while watching Jeopardy, but I assure you that reading this column will be as rewarding as listening to Alex Trebek pronounce non-English words.
Everyone has, to some extent, the desire to be desired. In the dating world, taking the wrong first step can be detrimental to one's self-confidence. Conquering this predicament is why I want to offer a simple decision making solution: let someone or something make the decision for you. Case in point, you should turn to the one true unbiased source of decision-making: the Magic 8 Ball (M8B).
I know what you're thinking, "I read two paragraphs to find out you're offering up a toy as the savior for my dating woes?" Yes I am, because if you get bad advice from a friend, it would be unwise to smash their head against a wall, but if M8B messes up - smash away!
But before you run off and test my method, there are a few things you should know about the M8B. M8B answers in simple phrases that may be misconstrued. Fortunately, I can translate for M8B. Let's take the following scenario and explore some common answers: Magic 8 Ball, should I ask Danielle/Tim out?
M8B says, "Signs point to yes." Beware of this answer, because signs also point to dead ends and falling rocks. M8B really means that you should run away from Danielle/Tim as fast as you can.
M8B says, "Ask again later." At first, you might be mad, because M8B is a toy and should have a pretty open schedule. But what M8B is hinting at is that you should clear your head, assess the situation and return to M8B with a rephrased question.
M8B says, "Yes - definitely." Once again, you think this answer is good, but you were fooled again. The M dash indicates that M8B's thought was interrupted. M8B is questioning its first response and there is no room for uncertainty when Danielle is looking good in those new Uggs (if Tim is wearing Uggs, he may not be the man for you anyhow).
M8B says, "Don't count on it." This answer is like an untrustworthy acquaintance, in that they usually won't pull through in clutch situations, but sometimes they surprise us. M8B translation: there's still a chance; go for it.
M8B says, "Reply hazy, try again." M8B is recovering from an all-night bender with the 20 Q game and you definitely should try again … much later.
M8B says, "My sources say no." The M8B went through the trouble of researching your response and you should definitely listen to it. I think we all know how utterly painful and time consuming it is citing your sources for a paper (not to mention the crying).
With all of this grey area surrounding M8B's answers, I want you to find comfort it this final response. M8B says, "Without a doubt." There is no uncertainty in that answer. Go forth with confidence. And remember, if M8B turns out to be wrong, you may climb the 180 steps in the Campanile and see how long it takes M8B to reach Medary Avenue.
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